Excerpts from an alternate dimension, recovered from the 2,000 page health care bill:

Journal entry 12/23/13

“All hail Chairman Obamao.

Waking up today in my standard issue gray uniform was wondrous: another day working for the glory of the State and the Party. Every morning I take the opportunity to thank my Party for their work on behalf of the people. Especially since I remember those days when the state was run by greedy “individualists” who cared nothing about the general welfare of the people, the days when the government was so aloof to the needs of the people that they would not substantially increase taxes on individuals and businesses in order to pay for the medical care of everyone else! Believe it or not, there was once a time when people had the choice to purchase their own medical insurance or not. Fortunately, our Dear Leader had the vision and the strength to mandate individuals to surrender a portion of their wealth for the greater good, all praises onto him. The system would have worked perfectly, like all of Dear Leader’s plans, but the traitorous “rich people” decided that it was in their best interest to leave the country, drying up the much needed revenues from those bourgeoisie scum. Now the Dear Leader is forced to ration medical care, but despite the hardships I am so proud that everyone in America has medical coverage… especially those alien migrants (formerly known as “illegal immigrants") who have it so hard. After passing the Great Socialist Medical Experiment Act, the population of alien migrants nearly tripled overnight, most probably because of the socialist utopia we were creating at the time. Now look at them, they are now receiving federal aid, medical coverage, they can drive, they can vote, and they can preserve their cultures by speaking their native tongues, if only they would take that final step towards citizenship but, regardless, I am thrilled to be working so that they can have all of these benefits. I hope more come.

The heater wasn’t working last night due too the limited amount of sunlight during the winter months and the low intensity of wind we’ve been experiencing. It was a bit uncomfortable, but in truth I am just happy that we were able to cap-and-trade away all those coal power plants that were turning this Earth into one big furnace. Last night, the reassurances of the Party kept me warm. Despite my ideological comfort, at one point I could not feel my toes, so I tried today to get some medical assistance and waited for a few hours in line at my local clinic. Foolishly, I had chosen to stand in the line on the wrong day, my rationing card clearly said that I could only get medical attention on Thursdays. I guess I will have to endure until then.

Tonight the Dear Leader gave a speech and I was reminded of the real reason that I voted for him all those years ago when people still needed to vote: his oratory made me melt inside. Since the Presidential Permanence Act of 2010, when people were asked if they wanted to keep Dear Leader until the recession ended, and “The People’s Tuesday,” when economists testified before Congress that the recession would never end, the people have not had to worry about those non-socialists coming back to power. Imagine what would happen to the single greatest accomplishment of our age, Health Care Reform, if we allowed those barbarians back into government. First, they would probably insist on reducing dependence on the federal government. But then who would take care of us?!? Second, they would probably insist on cutting deficit spending and paying down the debt. Fools! Don’t they know that we need to spend our way out of the recession caused by reckless spending?!? Third, they would probably insist on not taxing the rich at such high levels. It is here that these so-called “conservatives” make no sense: there are no rich people in America anymore! It is a great thing that the administration and the Congress, back in 2009, decided to ram the Health Care Reform bill through and increase the debt limit every time the debt got close to that limit. They say that the vast majority of Americans opposed the plan, but hearing Dear Leader, Harry Reid, and Nancy Pelosi speak, it was clear that the three people who mattered the most were in full agreement. Just yesterday someone on the radio asked why there existed an individual mandate to buy health insurance if we get actually cannot get quality, timely care. He said that there used to exist hospitals where expense came secondary to actually saving people and that it was the administration that targeted these types of hospitals opting for quantity over quality. I know he was lying because he was almost immediately sterilized and lobotomized, for good measure. Where else, if not in a socialist utopia do you get that kind of immediate care for insanity?

If I could go back in time, I would let the Americans of 2009 know how great we have it now and that they should stop questioning the bold leadership of Dear Leader… if only I had a time machine and if only I could feel my shins.”

Hmmmm… somehow I don’t think the author got his or her message across.

-AG